The untold truth: Smeraldo

Sometimes I try to write something that is weighting heavily on my heart but then I could not continue because I just couldn’t explain what I was feeling. And when I knew what I was feeling, I did not want to share it because I was afraid people would know my weaknesses. Matter of fact,  I mean the people who did not like me or people who saw me as an enemy. I always wanted to look strong to those who wanted to see me fall. So, sharing my scars was not on my top list.

Since I had a baby, my heart and mindset has changed so much and yet I couldn’t and can’t let go of the part where people have hurt me. I was/am still very bruised by it and still can’t really understand why it all happened. Since I was young, I had to see the worst side of the world and all I ever wanted was to be a child and live my life like other children. As the oldest sister I had to understand everything that was happening so I could protect my siblings from this dark world. In doing so, I think I have seen and experienced so much “darkness” and tried to protect my loved ones, I became a bit bitter year by year. I stacked all the hurt, trauma and everything in my heart and mind, and did not want to share all of this with anyone. All that has made me now change to a person who is severely hurt, traumatised and constantly scared. Scared that, God forbid, anything bad would happen to my children because of bad people.

I became less tolerant with every year, less understanding, less kind, less hopeful, less joyful and less of everything that is GOOD. The moment I meet someone, the first thing in my mind is to find to red flags in this person. I always go for the bad thoughts. To be honest, I’d wish to see me differently. To feel differently. I cannot remember a time where I was 100% at ease. It seemed like life was throwing me in battles every time. I wanted justice because life did not give it to me so studied criminology. But it was not enough because it feels like injustice is growing everywhere and every day in this world.

When someone hurts me, I lack the ability to express my feelings with kindness. Instead, I allow my emotions to dictate my responses, often lashing out with words that inflict pain in return. In those moments, I’ve come to realize that this approach only perpetuates my own suffering. The little girl inside me, still yearning for justice, won’t find it by mirroring the actions of those who have wronged me.

I am learning to love authentically, to surrender my struggles and fears to God, and to cultivate understanding and forgiveness. I’m working on letting go of the individuals and situations that have caused me pain, whether intentionally or unintentionally. This journey of growth is ongoing, and while I sometimes feel sorrow for those I’ve hurt in my own pain, I recognize that the cycle of hurt often stems from a shared experience of trauma. We are all interconnected in this cycle, often unaware of the help we truly need. Embrace the faults in us and give each other the time to grow.

There is nothing shameful to seeing your wrongs, and your shortcomings and not being focused on how others are and are treating others. If everyone started this with themselves, we would be living in a world where people would understand each other instead of hurting on another.

Love Rita.